The Ultimate Matrix Parody
by SunGoddess7
Summary: No aspect of this movie escapes my fun-poking eye as every detail gets pulled into the...oh heck, just read it already!


A/N: I'd been picking up little humorous ideas and had been toying with the idea, and I think I've gotten enough stuff together to make it funny. So, here goes nothing! I don't own the Matrix, but I'm pretty sure the super genius Wachowski bros do...gonna double check on that...NOT! Yeah, I know I ended this kind of abruptly, but I'm running out of ideas, and I want to make sure you people like this, so if I get lots of good reviews (emphisis on the LOTS!) I'll keep it going, but otherwise, um, no. Thanks! R&R if you want more!

Green numbers flash across a black computer screen in random order, tracing a call. A phone rings in the background. 

"Hello?" A male voice answers.

"Is everything in place?" A female voice replies.

"Huh? Who is this?"

"Don't play games with me. Is everything in place?"

"Look, I don't know who the hell this is, but would you quit calling me? It's really starting to get on my nerves."

The phone clicks off, and closer and closer to the digital numbers you go until you actually pass through the numbers, smaller numbers surrounding on all sides until a light appears at the end of a digital tunnel.

"Stay away from the light!" Someone screams. 

"Wrong flick! Leave us alone!" Another voice answers.

"Oh! Sorry!" 

The light suddenly sears into your eyes, and someone cries out in agony. "MY EYES!! I CAN'T SEE! AHHHHHH!" before the camera pulls back to reveal a flashlight. The theme song from the show 'Cops' suddenly starts playing in the background as the face of a policeman comes into view. The cop puts his hand on the camera lens.

"Get that thing out of my face! I can't work like this!" He mutters before continuing on down the dingy hallway, gun drawn and pointed before him. A heavier cop pulls into the lead and kicks at the door. Nothing happens, and the cop doubles over, hands on his knees, gasping for breath. Looking behind him, he looks at the surrounding crew.

"Can-can you give me a hand here?" He pants out. "I can't um, I just can't, uh-" He continues, pointing at the door. A tall, burly man comes out behind him and pats him on the back.

"We got ya, chief," He says before kicking the door out and in sits a woman in black leathers, back to the crew.

"Freeze! We have you surrounded!" They shout. All she does is raise her hands up. 

Meanwhile, outside of the building, another five units waits, sitting on their cars as a car drives up and three men dressed in khaki trench coats and sunglasses appear out of it, all walking simultaneously. The leader approaches the lead cop, who mutters under his breath.

"You were given specific orders..." The man drawls, drawing out the 's's.

The cop raises an eyebrow. "Who the hell are you? Hey, aren't you Secret Service? If so, what are you doing with ghetto cop business?"  
"Those orders were give for your protection..." He continues in the same voice.

The cop rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Look, are you gay? Because your the way you say your 's's makes you sound like you are. If you're a cop, maybe you should lay off the 's' words, okay? It just kind of, I dunno, defeats the whole 'I'm a cop, fear me' persona. You know what I'm saying?"

The gay cop stares hard at the one sitting on the car. "Screw you..." He drawls before continuing past him. The fat cop shakes his head and watches him go.

"Poor deluded dope..." He murmurs.

Returning to the action, the woman in black is still being surrounded by the cops. About to be arrested with her hands behind her back, she suddenly whips around, going totally kung-fu on the cop's ass before jumping into the air, legs curled under her with her arms outstretched. The cop stares at her, as if time is frozen, before looking at his watch.

"Look, you gonna hit me or what, lady?" He asks before getting a face-full of Gucci leather boots. 

Our lead lady proceeds to beat the living crap out of every cop around her until they all lay in a heap around her. On the screen appears a score board, reading 'MYSTERIOUS ASS KICKING LADY: 10 ; PIGS:0'

Pulling out a cell phone, she starts to speak to another unknown source. "Morpheus, the line was traced, I don't know how."

"I know," A deep male voice answers. "I told them the number. I was hoping they'd finish you off, but I guess life is full of disappointments, huh?"

"Are there any Agents?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about them. Well, I hope they get to you soon."

"Goddammit!" She exclaims.

"Yeah, I know! Don't you just hate me?"

"Alright..." She says, looking determined.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

But the woman doesn't hear. She has just hung up her phone and is heading out of the room when suddenly one of the Secret Service men appear at the end of the hall. Her eyes widen in fear as she runs out of the room through the other way. She keeps running, running and running till she's on the rooftops, with the unit of cops and Secret Service Agent in hot pursuit. Running across the rooftops, she seems to move with an unnatural grace. All of the cops either fall or are unable to catch up, but the Agent keeps moving, following her in the same fashion. She jumps over a precipice over fifty feet long, and the man follows her. Finally, she gets back to the ground and a phone booth rests at the end of the street. A Mac truck suddenly swerves around and a trucker leans out of the window.

"Hey baby, need a ride?" He asks, scruffy beard evident against his pale face.

"Eurgh!" She says before running for the ringing phone booth. 

"Wait! C'mon, just get in the truck!" The trucker yells, urging the truck forward towards the ringing phone booth. "C'mon! You don't even know me!"

But just as the humungous truck crashes into the phone booth, the woman picks up the phone and vanishes. The trucker jumps out of the mammoth machine and throws his tartan hat on the ground.

"Dammit! I loose more women that way!" He exclaims, but the camera has panned away from the man and focuses on the, miraculously still in tact, phone that sits amongst the rubble. Zooming in on the phone, we pass through it until coming out of a computer screen, the word 'Search' blazed into our retinas before the full effect of what was on the screen becomes evident. It seems there are many things going on at once, but they all seem to circle around Tony Danza. Panning down to just below the monitor, the face of a pale man with dark hair lies there, fast asleep, with 'Kid Bopz' playing on the half-off headphones. Images of the smiling Tony Danza flicker across his face before the screen goes blank.

_Wakey-wakey, Neo..._ Reads the green lettering. The man opens his eyes and looks up. He stares in confusion at the screen.

"Huh? Tony?" He asks, still half-asleep.

_Don't talk to the screen, dumbass. It's not like I can hear what you're saying._

"Oh, okay. Sorry."

_*rolls eyes* Look, I'm really just doing this to scare you, but I think you're too stupid to feel fear. I just need you to follow a white rabbit, okay? Can you do that for me, Einstein?_

"Huh? White rabbit? What?"

_*sighing* We just *had* to pick you, didn't we? Look, you know what a rabbit is, don't you?_

The man nods. "Uh huh. I had one when I was five. He was all fluffy and cute and-"

_Okay, so we've established that you know what a rabbit is. Kudos. Now, you do you know what the color white looks like?_

Staring at the screen, the man's eyes roll upward. "Uhhhhh..." is his reply.

_For God's sake! Okay, look, I'm going to flash the color white on this screen. Tell me if that rings a bell, alright?_

"Yeah, okay."

Suddenly, the screen flashes white, stays like that for a few seconds, then disappears. 

"Ooooh! White! Yeah, I know what you're talking about now. Sure, white, I know that."

_Good. Now, put the two together. Can you picture a white rabbit?_

The man considers for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, yeah, I got ya now."

_Finally! Jesus, I thought this would take longer!_

"Hey! Give me some credit here, okay? I-I was born...special!"

_*snorts* Yeah, like I didn't figure that out already!_

"You want me to follow that white rabbit or what?" He asked, getting annoyed.

_Alright, alright. Just, follow the white rabbit, okay?_

"Okay, I know."

_Knock, knock, Neo..._

Suddenly, two rings sounded from his door. "Hey, you said 'knock knock'!"

_Blow me!_

"Yo, anybody in there?" Someone yells from the door.

"Yeah," the man answers, getting up and going to the door while still staring at the now blank screen. Opening the door, he peers through a crack in the door. "You're two hours late," He says, staring incredulously at the people behind the door. A red-headed man with a fumanchu and a dominatrix at his arm stare back at him, the red-head frowning.

"What the hell are you talking about? You called me five minutes ago!" He exclaimed.

The man called Neo frowned, and turned around to look at the clock. "Oh. Right," He says, turning back to the door. 

"You got the money?"

The guest reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a sack. "All two grand in pennies."

"What? You got it in _pennies?_" 

"Well, how else do you get your cash when you work at a 7-11?!"

Shaking his head, the man opens up his door all the way and grabs the sack before shutting the door completely again and retreating into his apartment. Grabbing a huge, thick book with the title "A Completely Detailed Book On Exactly What The Matrix Is", he flipped through halfway and dumped the bag into the book before closing it. Of course, it wouldn't close. 

"Come-on-you-stupid-thing!" He yelled, trying to shut the cover over the huge sack of pennies. "ARGH!" he shouted before just dropping the stupid book on the floor. Grabbing a CD, he went back to the door and handed it to the visitor.

"If you get caught using that..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I blame it all on you and get your ass thrown in jail. I know."

"What? That's not what I-"

"Hey, you're looking a little whiter than usual. You okay?"  
"My computer, it started...Do you remember back in elementary school, when everyone made fun of you if you were a little. . . special?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that. I guess all my leather set them off. Hey, it sounds like maybe you need to unplug, man! Stop being used as a battery for the machines to feed off of?"

"Huh?" 

"Um, nevermind. Look, my girl here has a white rabbit on a leash. Cool huh?"

"Ooooh! White rabbit! Aww, it's so cute!" The man bent down to stroke the rabbit, then suddenly had it register in his mind. "Hey uh, where you guys headed?"

"Well, I was going to go to this gay bar on 34th, but maybe we should go to some Goth bar so you can get this movie started."

"Yeah, okay, I'll go."

The screen then changes to a green lighted dance club, techno freaks in black leather dance around to the heavy metal music, some in cages and all gettin jiggy to the music. We find our hero-in-question leaning against a wall before a woman in leather and short black hair appears. She looks very, very familiar...

"Hello, dumbshit."

"How do you know that name?" He asks.

"Everyone calls you that, don't they?"

"Who are you?"

"My name is Trinity."

"Trinity...*THE* Trinity? The one that kicked the crap out of all of those cops?"

"That was a long time ago..."

"Nah uh. It was about, oh, ten mintues ago. Right at the start of the movie."

A pregnent pause split by the music fills the air as Trinity stares at the man.

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

"I brought you here to warn you, Neo."

"Warn me of what?"

Slowly, the woman walks closer and closer to the man. "They're watching you, Neo."

"Who is?" 

"Don't interrupt me or I'll go bullettime on your ass, okay?"

Cowering in fear, Neo clamps his mouth shut, and Trinity gets even closer until her mouth is mere inches from his ear.

"I know why you're here Neo. I know what you've been doing-"

"How do you know that? Dude, have you been spying on me?"

Trinity slaps him across the face. "I said don't interrupt me!"

"Okay, okay, sorry. Go ahead."

Sighing and rolling her eyes, she continues. "I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer..."

"Well, let me explain. I hardly sleep because I have to sit at my computer night after night, deleting all of those advertisements for free AOL and porn."

"You delete your porn messages?"

Neo looks down before gasping. "Holy shit! What have I done?"

"I guess that would explain the whole 'living alone' thing, huh?"

"Don't remind me."

"Well, now I'm going to leave you and there's gonna be this really cool transition where the music turns into your alarm clock. Cool, huh?"

"Yeah, awesome!" Neo says, but he's talking to no one because he's alone in his room. The clock reads 9:18 and a slew of cursing emits from his mouth in frustration.

Suddenly, we're in a high office building. Neo stumbles, looking around the office.

"Whoa, how the hell did I get here?" He asked, frowning at the man before him, but he continues typing away at the computer, staring determindly at the screen before giving it one final tap and turning to Neo.

"You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson," The man started, and suddenly a loud squeak came from the window washers who were working outside of the glass encased room. Neo frowned at them before turning back to his boss. "You think that somehow you are special than everyone else-"

"Why does everyone keep bringing that up?!" He suddenly yelled. "Look, I'm special, but do you have to keep reminding me! Jeese!"

The boss stared at him, and another loud squeak sounded at the window.

"Any-way," his boss continued. "You need to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. Either you choose to be at your desk on time, or you choose-" but another squeak interrupted him and finally the cool composed boss slammed his hands on the desk. "Shut the hell up out there! Can't you see I'm trying to threaten my client?!!!" He shouted, and his voice reverbrated outside. The man bit his lip and looked down at his desk.

"Look, just go to your desk and stare at the monitor a bit, and forget this whole thing ever happened, okay?"

"Yes, Mr. Reinhart." 

So, now we're at Neo's desk, who's sitting and staring at his desk. Before long, a UPS guy shows up at his desk with a package.

"You Thomas Anderson?"

"Who's asking?" Thomas Anderson replies, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"Um, well, you have a package." 

Eyes still narrowed, he took the package from the man, and without looking away, signed the little electronic pad.

Looking at the signature, the package man suddenly blanched. "Um, sir? Yeah, you signed this 'Keanu Reeves'."

"Yeah, so? What's it to ya, punk?"

The man rose eyes eyebrows and mouthed the words 'Oooooooooooookay....' as soon as he had his back turned to the computer programmer, and continued down the hall. 

Opening the package, Thomas pulls out a cell phone. Immediately it begins to ring. He answers it.

"H-hello?" He asks.

"Hello. This is a message from--U.S. West Cellular. We'd like you to-" 

"AH!" Thomas called out before quickly snapping the phone shut. "How did they get that number? _I_ don't even know the number!"

Shaking his head, he places the phone back on the desk and goes back to staring at the blank monitor when the phone rings again.

"Dammit, I told you! I don't want solicitors!" He yelled into the small phone.

"This isn't a solicitor, stupid! This is Morpheus!"

"Who the hell are you?" He asks, confused.

"C'mon, you've read about me."

"No, I haven't."

"Sure you have."

"No, I can assure you. I've never heard of a Mor-"

"Okay, look, forget it, okay? Just look over at the elevators."

"What, now?"

"Ye-es."

"Why?"

"Oh just do it already!"

Standing up slowly, he looks over to see three men, all with sunglasses, side parts, and khaki trenchcoats look over at him.

"Holy shit! It's the solicitors!"

"Ye-es, dumbass."

"Hey, why do all of you keep making fun of me?"

"Because it's funnier that way."

"So? It hurts my-"

"Look, we don't have time for this. Unless you want your phone number posted all over and having solicitors calling you all hours of the night, you need to do exactly as I say."

"Okay."

"The cubicle across from you is empty."

"But what if they-"

"Do it, now!"

Quickly sprinting across the cubicle, his leg is left out just as one of the Agents walks along the hallway. Catching his foot on Thomas', the Agent yells out and falls over. 

"Oh shit!" Thomas whispers into the phone.

"No no, that's a good thing! Alright! Now, the office at the end of the hall is empty. Go."

So, feeling really stupid, Thomas crawls out of the cubicle and, crouching the whole way, scuttles for the office. Passing several patrons next to the printer, the camera pans up to focus on them.

"Hey, is it just me, or does Tommy Boy seem to be acting a little...strange lately?" One of the employees asks the other.

"Anderson? Yeah, a little jumpy," Another replies

"Aw, he's always been a little out there. You all know he's. . . special, don't you?" Says a third, sipping on a paper cup filled with water.

"Yeah, we know," The other two reply as one. Suddenly, the face of Thomas Anderson pops up from below the perspective of the camera.

"Hey! Who's movie is this, anyway?" He asks, angry.

Immediately, the three works shut up.   
"Were you gossiping about me?" He asks, looking around at them.

"I uh, I gotta go. Gotta work on those TPS reports..." One says. The other two says something along those lines and dash away from the area. Shaking his head, Thomas motions for the camera to follow him, and this time all the way to the end office.


End file.
